It's not about God

I have been married 10years this summer... to a man that is beyond words, really, he is amazing. We been together since teenagers and married very young.. we have been through it all... and we are strong, bold, deeply in love, its been amazing.

Over these years we have always been open to life, we have never used contraception, we never will. For 10 years I have walked with the Lord and my husband trying to have babies, losing babies, hoping for babies, watching other peoples babies, longing so deeply in my soul for babies I could throw-up it hurt so bad. And all these years, I put God in the mix of "why". Why Lord, why did you choose this for us? We are good people, we will be great parents, why Lord, why? Why those people, why does she get to have babies, Im better then her, we make more money etc etc.. why why why..

Then we had our son. Finally, after years and years, cycles upon cycles.. he was here. This little boy I dreamnt about. His name, his face, his laugh, he was always with me, he was mine before he was created.


Over the next 5 years we struggled, to have another baby, and when we finally did, she was torn from my womb at 14weeks. I felt the world stop, because now I knew the love of a child, a love that is like non like other, and thought again, "wyhy" Lord? Why me, why her, why...


Over the last 6months, moving far far far away from everyone, on a island, surrounded by beauty and deep water, the Lord has spoke into my brokenness and into my confusion.

It not about God.

He didn't choose infertility for me. It has nothing to do with Him. Illness inst "of" God, its created by mankind, humanity, sin. We arent saved from illness because we love God.. but we can choose to trust God in our suffering.

Do you think God's will is present when a mother conceives to only abort her baby? Or when a child is born into abuse, war, poverty? No. We were all created to bare children, to give life. Ideally in a perfect world, noone would have cancer, miscarriages, be at war or live in the darkness..but sadly, we arent in a perfect world, we are in a world full of sin and destruction.


So from here on in, I wont ask God "why" every again. I won't splash in my pity puddle and have a tantrum with God... because I know He didnt "give" me infertility, but gave me a soft place to land while I deal with infertility.

I will try my damnest to not judge other women, or situations that seems less then perfect, because they are walking their own journey with the Lord. I will try to be a better witness of love, so that people don't just see my suffering, but they see me suffering with grace and hope..