joy

I dont understand why I can't be joyful for other pregnant friends. Where is my faith, my love of Christ, the Holy Spirit, where are you! Im praying my ass off, Im seeking, Im knocking.. I want and need the grace to do this better, but Im stuck. Stuck in self pity, sadness and wondering why.

Don't get my wrong, I am so grateful to have my son... but does the pain of losing your daughter suppose to be less because I have a child? It really dosent make a difference.

Thank God for David... he came home from guys night (last night) to find his wife bawling at the door, sobbing over a friend who deserves to be pregnant, but my heart just couldn't take one more person announcing there joy.

Im tired of pretending Im ok, I'm not.

TTC for 4years with Levi was hard, but losing a baby at 4months pregnant was horrible. I can still see her face on the u/s.. the technicians eye's full of tears. My heart pounding out of my chest and my husband trying to be strong.

David brought me home roses at the beginning of the week, very pretty long stem white roses... I was confused because I prayed to St.Theresa and asked for white roses when I would be pregnant again, but I was on my period when he gave them to me.

As I was sobbing in his arms, I told him about the roses, and he said maybe God wants us to keep ttc and not stop treatment, maybe its a sign of hope... so after a long talk and prayer (he did the praying, I didnt have it in me.) we decided to take clomid.

Im dreading July 28th (edd) I don't know how Ill get through it... My hope is I can lean on God, and not let my hurting swallow me up.

Lord,
Carry me, hold me.. lead me.
Amen