Feb 02.09 (my words all over the map, I just wrote from my heart and not my head…)
On Jan 28th 2009, we lost our baby, that we named, Claire at 14weeks pregnant.

I'm amazed looking back, only a short week later, at how much God has revealed to me- How much deepness He has led me into – I feel my personal relationship has found another level of sacredness that my heart has been longing for, for quite sometime… In the pain of losing Claire and trusting in divine will, I have been blessed!

I always struggled with community and not feeling like it was strong or I fit in. I’ve always struggled with feeling insecure and anxious, so it made community even harder for me to grasp and feel safe in... but with the loss of our child, God has shown us massive grace in our Church family, and I see how we are so truly blessed to have such wonderful people in His Church.

The night we started labour, I say we because my husband made it very clear that infertility is his cross too… and he asked me to stop saying “I” lost the baby.. we lost the baby. It’s a blessing to know he helps me carry my cross. Anyways, the night we started labour, I felt protected, a shield of armour over me, waves of prayer surrounding me… my ongoing anxiety I deal with, was GONE, and God just allowed me to enter in the fullness of trust with Him..

Back to my Husband- He has been a rock, a strong hold after this long hard road.. I believe after 8years of being married he has found the trueness of God’s calling him to be a husband of faith, a Holy Spouse. In my anxiety and lack of communication on both parts, we hit a hard day after losing Claire… I ended up alone in the hospital, well with a friend, but I felt alone. The plan was he was to get Levi to the sitters and me at the hospital asap, but he took his time! This ate me up inside, I thought he didn’t want to be with me, because he didn’t rush to my side… when I asked him, what happened he brushed it off with some lame excuse of losing track of time, which made me feel even more angry and doubtful.. Long story short, after a good day of me being extremely hurt and irrational in every thought I had about him, he open up and was honest.

The morning he was to meet me at the hospital he had a break down at home.. heart-broken and vulnerable, not only did he have to deal with losing his daughter but worrying about his wife and taking care of Levi.. That’s why he was late, he had to pull himself together before getting to the hospital so he could be strong for me…. Why do men always have to protect us! But I guess deep down its what we all want…

If he would have just told me that, then a whole day of extreme anxiety and worrying over our marriage would have been resolved… but Oh how God works.. when David decided to become vulnerable and share his fears and sadness God tore down walls of hurt he was carrying and walls of lack of communication that were hidden in deep family hurts.. God allowed generational healing of sin to take place, it was really beautiful and I will never forget it…

During my pregnancy, I had a longing in my heat that something wasn’t right. I decided after hearing a program on TV- that I would surrender to the current of God.. stop swimming against stream, and allow my heart to stop worrying about when/if I lost the baby. No matter what, I will through the graces of God be ok; bad things happen to good people… God doesn't give us bad things, He only gives us blessings… so even in great suffering is there love……. Of course, look at salvation, it seems so obvious yet so hard to grasp in our own lives when we are hit with such sorrow and pain..

My heart today is peaceful, one week later.. My mind has stopped replaying the blood, the Dr’s the coldness of the hospital and the people it keeps.

Temptation is always at my heals- the desire to wallow in anger that other people get to have children when they want, how many they want, with no worry, seems ridiculously unjust, but God gently pulls me back, and my heart calls me home.

I know this cross, journey,life lesson, whatever you want to call it…is my purpose, it is the way to breaking down walls for my marriage and life.. its me… its David… it’s the way I will love deeper and become stronger is all things… but man it HURTS and its HARD!

God, please give me the courage to dive deep, when I want to tread water.